Book Description

Why do individuals and couples have such a difficult time understanding one another and getting along? Insight Out provides both the answer and the solution: 1) We have different Personality Adaptations, 2) We live in different worlds, 3) We think there is only one reality, and 4) We often hear other’s requests as criticism of ourselves. By understanding how we adapt in childhood to survive traumatic experiences and meet the expectations of those around us, we can discover how to change those adaptations now in order to create the life and relationships we most desire. Insight Out allows readers to discover their personality type and those of their family members and significant others and its impact on their relationships. We are born helpless and powerless into a vast, mysterious, and often threatening world. Struggling to survive, we grope for ways to adapt to our surroundings. But with little knowledge and less power to manage our environment, we are likely to come up with primitive, imperfect responses to life’s stresses. Our childhood strategies, disguised as adult behavior, trail us throughout our lives, snowballing into an amalgam of unhappy relationships, short-circuited careers, and unfulfilled dreams. These tactics don’t work very well in adult life, but they are often all we know. Unless we learn more effective strategies, we’re headed for trouble. Insight Out is about developing both an awareness of our maladaptive strategies and the emotional intelligence to change them. Insight Out offers a step-by-step program for changing our ineffective operating strategies into ones that allow us to become who we were meant to be. Insight Out shows readers that they already have everything they need “inside.” Now, finally, with a book that merges clear theory with effective tools, readers will be able to cultivate their strengths in ways that change their lives on the outside. There are six core personality adaptations, three that were developed for survival and three that were developed to perform in a way that met our caretakers’ expectations. Each personality adaptation has its own unique area (feeling, thinking, or behavior) for making contact with the world, an area that produces the most growth and change, and an area where individuals have the greatest defenses. Knowing this information allows us to relate to others in a way that quickly establishes rapport, produces mutual problem-solving, and avoids getting trapped in the other person’s defenses. There is also a section on how to use a questionnaire that Dr. Joines has developed to access the adaptations, use the resulting profiles to determine what a couple’s relationship will look like, and use that information to make the positive changes they desire. Insight Out looks in depth at how and why the adaptations develop, how they relate to other people and to problem-solving, and the positive and negative behaviors of each adaptation. The book is packed with engaging examples and vignettes as well as self-help exercises to assist readers in making desired changes. It makes explicit how the way we have adapted affects how we experience the world and perform in it. The insights available in this book enable us to know ourselves fully, to become the best that we can be, and to transform our relationships. “Few books give readers so much information to understand themselves and those they love. This book is a relationship treasure." Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., Co-Director of the Couples Institute.