Book Description

“Alexander was only defeated once…and that was by Hephaestion’s thighs.” -- Cynic Philosophers, about 2,000 years ago In this hilarious and meticulously researched biography, Humanities professor and sometime standup comic Dr. Will Arnett reveals the truth about Alexander: The greatest military hero of all time was also the biggest drama queen who ever lived. He’s Here, He’s Queer And He Doesn’t Like Your End Tables. From Hephastion, his boyfriend of 19 years to Bagoas, his shatteringly beautiful Persian boy toy, Alexander The Great ruled as a king but lived as a queen. He conquered most of the known world, unified it with a common language, imbued it with religious tolerance, and enriched it with racial diversity. He founded close to 70 cities across Turkey, Asia, Central Europe and the Middle East. Yet he cried easily. He threatened suicide if he didn’t get his way. He talked in exclamation marks! He loved to wear outrageous clothes. Everything was an emergency. He could throw hissy fits that would take Liza Minelli’s breath away. And he was so vain his own officers rubbed Preparation H on his ego. It’s the interplay between his personal fabulousness and his public greatness that makes Alexander the Great one of the most exhilarating characters in world history. And so ripe for comedy. As over-the-top as Alexander could be, he was no Liberace in fatigues. If you’re thinking Sean Hayes in Will & Grace leading 40,000 men across the desert, think again. If you’re thinking Bruce Vilanch in hand-to-hand combat you’re deluded. If you’re thinking Michael Musto slitting his enemy’s throats with a nail file, stop thinking--please, you’re giving us a headache. Instead, think Patton taking bubble baths, or McArthur in moo-moos, or Schwarzkopf with fag hags. If you locked Alexander in a room with these generals and threw in a knife, only Alexander would walk out without needing medical attention. And he’d walk out like Evita too: On the terrace, arms out-stretched, greeting the adoring crowds below. A Snippet From The Book: Alexander liked to shave his face. This shocked his countrymen, who almost to a man sported beards. Remember, the last of Cromagnon man had croaked, like, three weeks earlier. If the Greeks had been born just a few generations sooner they wouldn’t have been able to walk upright without dragging their knuckles across the ground. Alexander rationalized his shaving as a combat advantage. If the enemy couldn’t grab you by the beard he’d have a harder time killing you. Historians have waved their bullshit detector over that one and can’t decide if they believe him. Let’s just say there’s a whole school of thought that says Alexander didn’t like hair on his face for the same reason Narcissus didn’t like ripples in the water—it got in the way of the view. Upon seeing him fresh-shaven, lots of people raised their eyebrows, but nobody raised a stink. You just didn’t do that to the guy who kicked the world’s ass. In fact, Alexander started a craze and soon everyone was going bare faced. Philip, Alexander’s father, must have been spinning in his grave, seeing the army’s energy wasted on something as girlie as shaving. “Christ! What are we running, a spa?!” he would have bellowed. “What’s next, botox and chemical peels?!” Luckily, Christ hadn’t been born yet, so Philip hadn’t technically taken the Lord’s name in vain. Dr. Arnett takes us on a wild, comedic ride through Alexander’s life—from his early childhood (Aristotle was one of his teachers) to his famous battles, to his 19-year relationship with his boyfriend Hephastion to his ultimate death. Get ready to meet Alexander the Fabulous--the man who went down on history and came up smiling.