Book Description

Sarah Bartlett was an Academy Award-nominated film star, an Emmy-nominated television actress and a Tony-nominated stage performer. She was also awarded her very own Varsity Jacket by the former director of the US Department of Music’s Federal Hip Hop Administration. Appearing in over 20 films (including Hearts of Sorrow, Hearts of Celery; Perkwit’s Secret Bramboráky (the fourth installment of the Blurg movies); and Shadow of the Fish), she also starred on stage in such shows as Howling at the Moon: The Dog Musical; Billiard Balls of Death; and Dreadful About Those Shock Treatments, Eh? The woman was also an accomplished musician who performed guitar and baglama not only with her own group (Zooey’s Lampshade) but also with the Hattiesburg Symphony Orchestra and Industrial Pole Bean Outlet; with the Palm Frond and Banana Spider Symphony Orchestra; and with the ’56 Elvis Quintet at the Memphis in November: From Too Cool to Too Cold Music, Art and Law Practice Festival). There were other sides to Sarah, sides that she preferred people not know much about, sides involving Queen Victoria costumes, drinking way too many sodas at one sitting, and that whole ceramic curry serving bowl (from 2400 BCE) incident, which she knew would greatly upset anthropologists all over the world. Here, for the first time, is the entire story of Sarah Bartlett’s life, including her children, her husband, her boyfriend, her shoes, her Toyota Cadberry, and her dreams (some of them involving picture frames made of cheese; some of them involving the Poky Little Puppy; some of them involving Gloria Swanson wearing a miniskirt, a pair of orange flip-flops and a T-shirt with a picture of Andy Warhol and the phrase “Hey, look, I’m a can of soup” on it; some of them involving cats with lobster claws for legs; and some of them involving copious amounts of Ranch Dressing). The book also includes over 150 illustrations, and some of them actually make sense. If you’re looking for a book that offers the best ratio of cost per laugh, look no further. Further? Farther? Wait, let’s think this through. Uhh, farther has an a in it, and measure has an a in it, so farther relates to distance. So, yeah, further is the right adjective to use. The Seattle Drainpipe Gazette says, “Rigatoni is to books as cat hair is to dogs.” The Farmington Inquirer calls Rigatoni “unobtrusive,” “mildly trapezoidal,” and “looks great under some flowerpots.” And the Tucson Rock Trader says, “If we crowdfund, we can raise enough money to get this author the serious help he so obviously needs. This isn’t a cry for help, this is a sustained scream through a set of Peavey Dark Matter DM 118 Powered PA Subwoofer Speakers.”